自由英作文の添削をお願いしたいんですが。。。

現在浪人中なのですが
添削を依頼できる方もおらずこちらに質問させていただきました。
勝手なお願いですがよろしければお願いします

テーマ　　オリンピックについて自分の考えを約１００～１５０語で述べよ

In my opinion, the Olympics are very important events.
As you know,this is the age of globalization, so it is necessary
for you to contact more actively with foreigners, but there is few opportunity to do so. Some people may say that thay have such chance since a lot of foreigners come to and live in Japan. However, I rarely see Japanese people talking with foreigners very friendly. This is the case.
Then,through sports, many people can communicate with people from all over the world. In other words, the Olympics can give you such opportunity. Therefore I would say that the Olympics are very precious.

No.3 ベストアンサー 回答者： noname#181603 回答日時： 2009/02/02 22:18

添削させていただきました。

In my opinion, the Olympics are very important events for people in the world.
As you know, we live in an age of globalization,
so it is necessary for you to communicate actively with foreigners.
But unfortunately there is few opportunity to do so.
Some people say it is easy to meet foreigners since they often come to as visitors and some of them are now living in Japan.
However, I rarely see Japanese people talking with foreigners very friendly.
Since this is the case, through sports, a lot of people can communicate with people from all over the world.
In other words, the Olympics can give you such opportunity. Therefore I would say that the Olympics are very precious.

気になったとこは
・important は誰にとってimportant なのか
・ a lot of foreigners come to and live in Japan　は「たくさんの外人がやってきては住着いていく」という感じがして、ちょっとしっくり着ません。
・Olympics または Olympic games どちらも可能。
・肯定文では many より a lot of を使ったほうがいいです。

この回答へのお礼

気になったとこなど詳しく本当にありがとうございます！
書いてる本人には気付きませんでした。

センター試験後あせって自由英作文はじめたもので。。。

もっと練習しなければいけないことをあらためて感じました。

ありがとうございます！！

お礼日時：2009/02/02 23:07

No.2 回答者： mabomk 回答日時： 2009/02/02 20:29

「,」(コンマ)の後はワンスペース空けましょう!　手書きでも!

以下出来るだけ貴文意に沿い少しだけ手直ししてみました。

In my opinion, the Olympic game is one of the important events. Today we live in global age where it is important for us to make more active and friendly contact with foreigners visiting Japan. Once when we have Tokyo Olympic game in 2016, we will have a lot of foreign visitors here, where we have such great opportunity in doing so. However, I see Japanese people rarely enjoy talking with foreigners very friendly. Olympic game will be giving us such good chance for us to communicate with them through sports.

済みません、出かける用事発生、読み直しせずに、参考になるかならんか(笑)

この回答へのお礼

お忙しい中本当にありがとうございます！　

全然参考になります！！

もっと練習積みたいとおもいます。

お礼日時：2009/02/02 22:57

No.1 回答者： noname#85812 回答日時： 2009/02/02 16:47

contactは典型的な間違いをしています。

他動詞なのでwithはいりません。

この回答へのお礼

早いご指摘ありがたいです！

contact覚えときます！

contactの部分は他の表現の仕方も教えていただけますか？

お礼日時：2009/02/02 17:05