英作文の添削をお願いします

自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

テーマ：Many medical students become frustrated that the basic memory skills that allowed them to pass the entrance exam have not prepare them for the increased pace of university study. Indeed, doctors need to be highly motivated, self-directed learners to keep up with the ever-increasing changes in medical knowledge. Describe how you could be a good medical student and what your priorities will be. Detail three of your good points and three bad points clearly.

条件：３パラグラフ構成以上、１５０字以上、序論・本論・結論が明確であること。

　　It is often said that many medical students become frustrated because they have to memorize various kinds of things about human body to keep up with university study.

In case with me, one of my bad points is that when cannot understand the things, I am unable to go next step until I understand them. In addition to this bad point, I also think almost all things so deep. For example, I always worry about that whether my opinions or actions hurt my friends or not. Moreover, my third bad point is that I often care about people around me too much. My sister usually told me not to take care of her so often.

However, I think these bad points are also my good points. When I cannot understand something, I ask my friends or teachers how to solve the problem. This action makes our relationships better. Next, my worrying about everything and tending to take care of people around me mean I have abilities to imagine other people’s feelings and to try to help people who are in trouble. This will motivate me to become a good doctor.

Although I have bad points, everyone also has them. The important thing is not that you do not have bad points, but that you have the ability to change your bad points to good points. This is needed to become a good medical student.（２３８words）

自分の良い点悪い点について具体例を３つずつ、ということなのですが、
どういうふうに羅列したらよいか悩みました。
いい点と悪い点を一対一対応にして書くべきなのかとも考えましたが、
３つの悪い点→全部良い点へと変換しました。
先日期待と不安の添削をしていただいたときに不安→期待の方がよいというアドバイスを頂いたことを参考にしてみました。
序論も結論も弱い気がしますがボキャブラリーや結び付け方がへただなぁと・・・
本番まであと１週間なのでかなり焦っています(´；ω；｀)
よろしくお願いします

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： angkolwhat 回答日時： 2012/02/18 16:03

テーマ：Many medical students become frustrated that the basic memory skills that allowed them to pass the entrance exam have not prepare them for the increased pace of university study.

多くの医学生が，入学試験で求められる記憶力(学力)くらいでは大学の研究スピードに対応できないので悩むことになる．

Indeed, doctors need to be highly motivated,
ご存じの通り，医者には（～が）求められている．しっかりとした強い使命感(1)があり，
self-directed learners
進んで学ぶ姿勢(2)が
to keep up with the ever-increasing changes in medical knowledge.
変化の激しい医学情報に対応できる(3)ように

Describe how you could be a good medical student and
求められる医学生像に近づけるか
what your priorities will be.
自己分析せよ

＜自分の考えを述べる前に何を求められているかを見いだすことが大事＞

Detail three of your good points and three bad points clearly.

条件：３パラグラフ構成以上、１５０字以上、序論・本論・結論が明確であること。

It is often said that many medical students become frustrated because they have to (memorize various kinds of things about human body to) keep up with [their] university study [which is totally different from their highschool lessons].
＜テーマでは「覚えることが多いのでフラストレーション・・・」とは述べられてはいないので，読み間違い＞

In [my] case (with me), one of my bad points is that when [I] cannot understand (the) things, I [become](am) unable to go [to the] next step until I understand them [well]. In addition to this[,](bad point), I also [tend to] think almost all [the] things so deep[ly]. For example, I always (worry about that＜「だから結局何もできない」まで言わなかったのは幸い．自分の悩みは他人にとっては大したことがないものです．worryが悪いわけではないですが，wonderを思いつけば，不安症ではなく用心深さくらいに転換できそうです．＞)[wonder] whether my opinion(s) or [my] action(s) [will] hurt my friends or not. Moreover, my third bad point is that I often care about people around me too much. My sister usually told me not to take care of her so often. [She is not a little child now.]

However, I think these bad points are also my good points. When I cannot understand something [well], I ask my friends or teachers [what they think about it](how to solve the problem).＜解決法をたずねるという姿勢はテーマ文中のhighly-motivated, self-directed leanerに反します＞ This action [not only] makes our relationships better[, but also lets me see it from different viewpoints]. Next, my worrying about (every)thing[s] and tending to take care of [others](people around me) mean[s that] I have abilities to imagine other( people)’s feelings and to try to help people who are in trouble.＜上手い！読み手は分かっていることをきちんと書いてくれるとすごく嬉しい．「共感」は武器になります．「甘え」にならぬよう注意．＞ This will motivate me to become a (good)[better＜常に相対的なものです＞] doctor.

(Although) I have bad points, [but so does] everyone (also has them＜代名詞は自分と同じ短所を指すかも知れません＞). The important thing is not that you do not have [any] bad points, but that you have the ability to [make](change) your bad points to good points.＜changeには言い訳のようで，努力が感じられません．abilityではないですね．＞ (This is needed to become a good medical student.ご反省の通り，もうこれくらい書けばいいだろうというガマン切れが見えてしまいました．人の命を扱う仕事に就くのですから，これはまずい．最後まで納得のいく文章を書き上げなさい．だから１５０語以上とされているのではないでしょうか．面倒くさがる受験生はすぐボロが出ますね．)[In order to become a good medical student, we have to be calm and see things more scientificly so that we can always find a better answer.]

>本番まであと１週間なのでかなり焦っています(´；ω；｀)
＜今の力しか出せません．でもその力を出し切る情熱が試されるのです．＞

この回答へのお礼

連日詳しい分析を頂きありがとうございます！
課題文を掲載してよかったです！というのも、わたしは毎回最後のDiscribe～以降にしかほどんど注目せずに書きだしていました。
また、worryよりwonderが適切であることや、御指摘いただいたように、
時間内（２０分程度）に「１５０字以上書くこと」に躍起になってしまい、
結論をおろそかにしていました。
練習を積んだところでやはり急にうまくなることはないのだと痛感しましたが、
本番では自分の中のベストを出してこれるように引き続き練習してみます。
また、大変図々しいのですが、今の答案に点数をつけるのであれば１００点満点で何点くらいでしょうか？
おおよそでかまいませんので、もし可能でしたら点数化していただきたいです。

お礼日時：2012/02/18 16:35