痔になりやすい生活習慣とは?

英検一級を受験予定です
長文ですが、どなたか間違いを指摘してくださる方お願いします

題は明史主義国家は非民主主義国家を積極的に民主主義化すべきかというもので、3つの理由で補強するというものでした

Most of the developed countries in the world are democratic countries. Many people support democracy and I'm one of them. I agree to promote the spread of democracy actively.

Non democratic nations have some specific ones who rule over their people and the people under their control are often suffering from lack of freedom. The condition that people are I satisfied with the policy makes them rebel against the government and the nation goes unstable.

The fact that they can not choose who to rule themselves and to make crucial decisions means that they have to follow the fearful decisions made by leaders who was not chosen by citizens.
This can be the factor of breaking out of the war.

Not being able to join the policy means the people's rights are infringed. All the democratic countries have duties to protect those neglected human rights.

Although it is difficult to find ways to change no democratic country into democratic ones, especially in peaceful ways, we should continue making efforts to achieve this goal. That's not only for the people in no democratic world but also us, residents of democratic world because we cannot hope any eternally peaceful world with unstable area.

短時間で書いています、なおかつ英語で書きやすい文章を書くことを優先にしてしまい、内容的におかしい部分がありますが、今回は語法の面での指摘をお願いします

質問者からの補足コメント

  • 最初の方に明史主義となっていますが民主主義です
    打ち間違いました

      補足日時:2017/05/30 17:29

A 回答 (1件)


Most of the developed countries in the world are democratic countries. Many people support democracy and I'm one of them. I agree to promote the spread of democracy actively.

→ please explain "why you support democracy" and "how you plan to support democracy"



Non democratic nations have some specific ones who rule over their people and the people under their control are often suffering from lack of freedom. The condition that people are I satisfied with the policy makes them rebel against the government and the nation goes unstable.


Countries that are not under democracy tend to be ruled by one person and the people under his rule often suffer from lack of freedom. When people are unsatisfied with the policies of the country, they rebel against the government and the nation becomes unstable.

Non-democratic nations have some specific ones → "one" が何を指しているのかが不明。それならば "Non-democratic nations tend to be run by dictators who rule over their people arbitrarily" のように "ones" ではなく "dictators" としっかり名詞を使ったほうが良い。また "Non-democratic nations are run by" と断定してしまうと「全ての民主主義ではない国はこうだ」と言っていることになってしまうので「その傾向がある」"tend to" を入れて表現をやわらげたほうが読み手も理解しやすい。
"I satisfied" は意味不明。"unsatisfied" のことでしょうか。



The fact that they can not choose who to rule themselves and to make crucial decisions means that they have to follow the fearful decisions made by leaders who was not chosen by citizens.
This can be the factor of breaking out of the war.

→ The fact that the people cannot choose who rules them nor make crucial decisions means that they fearfully follow decisions made by leaders that they did not choose. This might lead into a civil war.

×can not ○cannot
"war" 国同士の戦争ではなく国内の戦争であれば "civil war" であり、またまだ起きたことのある戦争なので the civil war ではなく置きうるかもしれない a civil war



Not being able to join the policy means the people's rights are infringed. All the democratic countries have duties to protect those neglected human rights.

→ Not being able to join in the policy making decisions means that the people's basic rights may be infringed. All the other countries that are run under democracy have a duty to protect the neglected rights of those people.



Although it is difficult to find ways to change no democratic country into democratic ones, especially in peaceful ways, we should continue making efforts to achieve this goal. That's not only for the people in no democratic world but also us, residents of democratic world because we cannot hope any eternally peaceful world with unstable area.

→ Although it is difficult to find peaceful ways to turn non-democratic countries into democratic ones, we should continue making the efforts to achieve this goal. This is not only for the people under non-democratic rules, but also for us, citizens of a democratic nation because otherwise we cannot hope for a world without wars.
    • good
    • 0
この回答へのお礼

細かいところまでの指摘本当にありがとうございます

まだまだ語彙、文法力が足りていないこと、痛感いたしました

添削していただいたところ改めてじっくり見直したいと思います

お礼日時:2017/05/31 00:05

お探しのQ&Aが見つからない時は、教えて!gooで質問しましょう!


人気Q&Aランキング