英語の自由英作文です。添削よろしくお願いします。

課題は、
【「医療(medical treatment)」について論じよ。】
です。

構成は３段落で、
１段落目が定義（医療とは）
２段落目が問題点
３段落目が未来、解決策　　　　となっています。


　　Medical treatment consists in our lives. When we are injured in an accident or
have an disease, thanks to medical treatment,we can recover from these happens.
Without the medical treatment, we can't live.
　　However, these days, the number of doctors has been decreasing. It is because
the number of children has also been decreasing, and to become the doctor, there
needs a lot of money. These days in Japan, to graduete the medical facility, one
has to pay a lot of money which are as much as buying a house. Even if there is a
person who wants to enter the medical facility, he or she is likely to give up their
dream of entering the medical facility due to money.
　　To solve these probrems, we need to make the environments which are easy
to bring up the children, and medical facility's intuition decreased.


文法や単語の使い方に問題がないかなどの指摘をよろしくお願いします。

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： ohioan4506 回答日時： 2012/02/09 06:28

こんにちは。

医師の数が減っているのは、子供が減っているから、とありますが、主に、医師になるまでの費用がかかっている、ということが言われているので、子供が減っているから、という点をなくした方がいいかもしれません。

１段落
Medical treatment is essential for our lives. When we get injured or sick, we take medical treatment and can regain our health. Without it, we wouldn't survive.

２段落　１，２行目
*Howeverは文中の方がいいでしょう。
*次の文章でもThese daysを使っているので、繰り返さないように他の言葉を使う。
*問題になっている、ということを書く。
*医者になるまでのコストが依然高い、という場合は、still high　にする。

In recent years, however, we have an issue that the number of doctors has been decreasing. It is because the cost of becoming a doctor is high, and with the current economic crisis, the cost may not be affordable for more families.

*medical facility は医療機関＝病院のことをさすので、ここではmedical schoolを使う。

３．４行目
These days, to graduate medical school in Japan can cost as much as buying a house. High school students who want to be a medical student in a university may give up their dreams to be a doctor due to the high tuition.

３段落
*奨学金をもっと増やすべきだとか、そういう感じはどうかなと思います。
例）More scholarship for future students in medical school will be helpful.