どなたかこの文章を修正していただけないでしょうか？

英語を勉強しているのですが、writingが苦手なので自分でお題を決めていろいろ書いています。この前外人の方に見せたら次のような指摘をされました。（ちなみにこの文章のお題はパトスかエトスかロゴスのうちどれかひとつが使われているCMを二つ選んで説明するというものです）

I：we,our,usなどの第三者の名詞やIは使わないほうが良い。
II：Controlling　Ideaが無い＝Thesisが短すぎる。
III：(1)、(2)、(3)の文は英語ではこういう表現はしない。
IV：引用が多すぎるからもっとparaphrazeしたほうがいい。


本文
We always watch TV, internet or magazine commercials without thinking deeply about them. But there are various strategies that are used in commercials. Two commercials featuring ZOTRIM Diet Supplement and DHC Skin Care Lotion used ‘logos.’ Logos means persuading by the use of reasoning, evidence or concrete numbers and that is an appeal is based on making a person’s life better or easier. ZOTRIM advertised “This is 100% natural!” and “10 million people are using this! “ These messages arouse people’s interest and encourage people to buy it by representing concrete number. DHC Skin Care Lotion also used ‘logos.’ In the commercial two girls advertised “(1)This product is No.1 sales in all over the world!” and introduced success voice of users. (2)These messages mean almost people use this lotion and they can get clear and smooth skin like users if they use it. (3)Almost people who watched these logical commercials will buy these products, because the more there are evidence, reason, or concrete number, the easier people believe. This strategy used in both ZOTRIM Diet Supplement and DHC Skin Care Lotion appealed to logic or reason and whip up their interest or emotion by showing good parts of the products with concrete number, evidence, and results of survey.

よろしくおねがいします。

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： tiamero 回答日時： 2009/10/26 00:43

＞II：Controlling　Ideaが無い＝Thesisが短すぎる。

これに関しては質問者さんがこう！といった見解を出して頂けないと何とも直しにくいです＾＾；

Commonly, people watch TV, internet or magazine commercials without thinking deeply about them.

Commonly, peopleとすることで主観的ではなく一般的見解といった雰囲気にしてみました。

But there are various strategies that are used in commercials. Two commercials featuring ZOTRIM Diet Supplement and DHC Skin Care Lotion used ‘logos.’ Logos means persuading by the use of reasoning, evidence or concrete numbers and that is an appeal is based on making a person’s life better or easier. ZOTRIM advertised “This is 100% natural!” and “10 million people are using this! “ These messages arouse people’s interest and encourage people to buy it by representing concrete number.

＞IV：引用が多すぎるからもっとparaphrazeしたほうがいい。
上の文章で、どうして「These messages arouse people’s interest and encourage people to buy it by representing concrete number.」と語ってみてはいかがでしょうか？

DHC Skin Care Lotion also used ‘logos.’



In the commercial two girls advertised “(1)This product is No.1 sales in all over the world!” and introduced success voice of users.

(2)訳すと「このメッセージは、多くの人たちがこのローションを使い、使った人たちのように白く滑らかな肌を手に入れる事が出来るという意味です」となります。「使った人たちのように」はいらないと思います。
ので、
These messages mean alot of people use this lotion, and they can get clear and smooth skin.
では？
語尾に「as they use it」と付け加えれば、ローションを繰り返し使用していることが強調されると思います。


(3)Almost people who watched these logical commercials will buy these products, because the more there are evidence, reason, or concrete number, the easier people believe.
「Almost people」より「Alot of people」かと。
後「will buy these products」より「likely to buy these products」のほうがよりネイティブだと思います。

This strategy used in both ZOTRIM Diet Supplement and DHC Skin Care Lotion appealed to logic or reason and whip up their interest or emotion by showing good parts of the products with concrete number, evidence, and results of survey.
長いので区切ってみては？と思いました。
少し読みにくいので伝わりにくいと思います。