essayについて

最近、アメリカと日本の大学の教育制度の違いについて、構造はIIntroduction(hookとthesis)→IIBody(1)(似ているところ)→IIIBody(2)(違うところA)→IVBody(3)（違うところB)→VConclusionという形でessayを書いてみたのですがどうも何を言いたいのかが上手く書けていないと感じます。そこで、ぜひこのessayを見てもらって、ここはこういう風にしたほうがいいんじゃないみたいなアドバイスがありましたら、是非教えてください。よろしくお願いします。

essay本文


　I.It is the common objective of educational system in any countries to foster its citizens to become productive members of its society. Every country has its own education system. Two countries United States and Japan have also their own education systems. After World War II, the Japanese education system was built based on American's education system, so the education system in the United States and Japan have a lot in common fundamentally. American and Japanese educational principle is similar. However, the entrance processes are quite different.
　II.At first glance, pursuing university education of American and Japanese universities appears to be straightforward. The basic system seems to be identical. Both countries have two-year university, four-year university and technical school. Students enter college after they have graduated from high school, or simply demonstrate their ability to get higher education. Students can take any classes that they wish to take and they are free to devote most of their time to education. Both countries put children of 6 years to 15 years
old under an obligation to be a part of education system.
III.Even though American and Japanese university basic system seems to be identical,
the entrance processes are vary significantly. In America, compared with Japanese university, it is easy to enter university. Students do not have to take the admission examination to enter the universities and all what students have to do is just to submit the required documents such
as high school transcript. When students just enter their universities, they are not expected to have good academic skills. However, it is difficult to get units and graduate from university, because they have to show their good skills in the class, so not a few students who can’t get the units and it take much time to graduate. In short, students who want to enter American university need to study hard after entering university.
IV.On the other hand, at Japanese university, it is difficult to enter university. Students have to take admission examination instead of submitting the required documents to enter. For Japanese universities, it differs from American universities in that you need to take an entrance exam for the specific university. If you pass the exam then your high school grades don’t matter at all. In short, contrary to American university, students who wish to enter Japanese university need to study hard before entering university.
V.To conclude, while basically, American and Japanese education system are similar, the entrance processes to enter university are poles apart. There is no answer which education system is better, but it can be said that education system always should be reviewed to meet student’s needs.

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： wodenkan 回答日時： 2009/12/09 00:58

内容については私が口出しできることは無いので、英語で文を書く時に私が気をつけていることを

●冠詞／定冠詞をキチンと使う。
冠詞は不特定(general)、定冠詞は特定(specific)の状態にある名詞につきます。
最初の文でいきなり the common objective と言われても、どのcommon objectiveなのか解りません。（タイトルで特定しているのでしたら申し訳ない）
その他にも、冠詞／定冠詞の付け忘れが見受けられます。
(例えば、United States、the を付ける事で特定された連邦国、つまりアメリカになります。)

日本人には難しい感覚で、私もよくネイティブに指摘されます。
言い換えれば、これをキチンと使いこなせれば大分英語らしくなると思います。

あとはパッと見て気が付いた事は、
Two countries US and J* -> Both the US and J*
American's -> American

ご参考になれば幸いです。