英作文の添削をおねがいします

英作文の添削をお願いします。

テーマ：食の安全について（自分の食生活とみんなが健康的で安全なものを食べるために社会はどうしたらよいか）

錠けン：150字以上　３パラグラフ構成以上　序論・本論・結論が明確であること

　　

　 Today, the problems of food quality and safety have been in the news more than before. As you know, eating is one of the most important habits in daily life, so I care about what I eat every day. Because I live with my family, my mother or I can cook by her or myself. Thus, I can eat healthy food such as flesh vegetables, fruits, meat and fish.

However, if I have to live alone, I should sometimes buy the meal at the convenience store when I am busy and unable to cook. In addition, this is the problem for people who live alone. Although a lot of convenience store stand everywhere in the city, most of meals they sell are not healthy, like high-calorie, salty, or including high levels of chemicals. Eating these foods usually harm their health.

I suggest that society should make the convenience stores sell more healthy food if they make sure that we all eat good and healthy food. When they so, even people who live themselves will be able to eat safety and be more healthy.（１８３words）

本論の展開（自分の食生活から社会全体に結び付ける展開）が思い浮かばず、
無理やり結論にもっていった感じがいなめません。。。
英作文を書くときに軽く構成は書き出すものの、何度も消して書いてを繰り返してしまうのですが、
これをあまりしなくて済むコツなどあれば教えていただきたいです。
よろしくお願いします。

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： angkolwhat 回答日時： 2012/02/17 13:41

Today, the problems of food quality and safety have been in the news more [often] than before.＜普通数の意識より頻度として意識されます．ニュースの内容について触れることで後の解決策につなぐヒントとなります．たとえば「食べ過ぎ」「浪費・無駄遣い」など．＞ As (you know,) eating is one of the most important habits in daily life, (so) I care about what I eat every day. Because I live with my family, my mother [and](or) I＜正直にプライベートを明かす必要はありません．書きやすいようにつなげましょう．＞ can cook by [ourselves](her or myself). Thus, [we](I) can (eat)[choose] healthy food such as f[r](l)esh vegetables, fruits, meat and fish [for cooking].＜eatの目的語がfresh vegetablesやfresh meatになるとウサギやライオンと同じですよ．＞

However, if I have to live alone, I should sometimes buy [prepared food](the meal) at [a](the) convenience store when I am busy and unable to cook.＜mealは食事foodは食品＞ [And I am sure](In addition), this is the problem for people who live alone. Although a lot of convenience store[s] stand everywhere in (the city)[cities], most (of meals)[food] they sell are not [always] healthy, like high-calorie[d], salty, or including (high levels)[lots] of chemicals. ＜most of the... / most... / almost all the...間違えやすい＞Eating (these)[such] food(s) (usually)[may] harm their health.＜食の選択を問題点にすると個人の問題になるので難しそう．＞

(I suggest that society should make the convenience stores sell more healthy food if they make sure that we all eat good and healthy food.)＜theyがsocietyなのかsotresか迷います．好みも含めて，カロリーや塩分は消費者が選ぶべきものだとすれば，現状の問題点が指摘されていないので解決策として未消化です．答えはたぶん食に対する消費者の教育にあるかと思いますがどうでしょう．＞ When they [do?] so, (even)[all the] people who live [with] themselves will be able to eat [food] safe(ty) and (be) more healthy.（１８３words）
＜素直に思いついたとおり文章を書けた点は評価しますが，「社会はどう関わるべきか」という課題があるので，この点から問題点，改善点を考えていった方が最後に悩まずにすんだと思います．結論があれば書きやすいものです．＞

この回答へのお礼

毎回丁寧に添削していただき本当にありがとうございます(*´∀｀*)
fleshとfreshの違い、御指摘いただくまで全く知りませんでした・・・
論理展開の仕方もたいへん具体的でわかりやすいです(´；ω；｀)
次から英作文を書くときにはアドバイス頂いた点に注意して
筋の通ったものになるよう意識してみます！

お礼日時：2012/02/17 15:26