教えてください。

家族の紹介文なんですが、おかしいところがあったら教えてください。
There are five in family :my father,mother,older brother,younger brother and me.
My mother is a homemaker and home helper .
My father is a security guard of the hospital.
My older brother is a college student.
My younger brother is a high school student.
My family are all in good health.
My family loves to watch the Yomiuri Giants baseball games together.
My family's dream is to go to Hawaii next year.

No.3 ベストアンサー 回答者： Him-hymn 回答日時： 2014/07/17 14:15

添削

There are five people in my family :my father,mother, an older brother, a younger brother and me. My mother is a homemaker and a home helper. My father is a security guard for the hospital. My older brother is a college student. My younger brother is a high school student. My family are all in good health. My family loves to watch the Yomiuri Giants baseball games together. Our dream is to go to Hawaii next year.

私なら
I'd like to tell you about my family. I have a father and a mother and two brothers.
My father is a security guard for the hospital. My mother is a homemaker. One of my brothers is a college student. The other brother is a high school student. We are all in good health. We love to go to Tokyo Dome to watch baseball games together. Our favorite team is the Yomiuri Giants. We have a dream. It is to go to Hawaii next year.

 野球観戦がテレビであれば、We love to . . .のところを
We love to watch baseball games together.
とすれば言えます。

以上、ご参考になればと思います。

No.2 回答者： Lawrence_Howell 回答日時： 2014/07/17 13:02

こんにちは。

「家族の紹介文なんですが、おかしいところがあったら教えてください。 」

焦点を可笑しいところに合わせるより、自然な紹介仕方を言わせてもらうと

1.　家族の人数を言う必要はない。

2.　父親の仕事だけ、母親の仕事 + homemaker の形には違和感あり。（英語圏の国々では、共働きする夫婦が家事を分担するのが広く普及しているから。）

3.　家族の健康状態について、普通は、言わない。

従って、次の文章はいかがでしょうか。

Let me tell you about my family.
My father is a hospital security guard.
My mother takes care of people confined to their homes.
I have an older brother in college, and a younger brother in high school.
All of us enjoy watching Yomiuri Giants baseball games together.
Our dream is to visit Hawaii next year.

ご参考までに。

No.1 回答者： marbleshit 回答日時： 2014/07/17 11:58

There are five in my family : father, mother, older brother, younger brother and me.

Mother is a homemaker and home helper.
Father is a security guard of the hospital.
Older brother is a college student.
Younger brother is a high school student.
We are all in good health.
We love to watch the baseball games of Yomiuri Giants together.
Our dream is to go to Hawaii next year.