大学留学応募のエッセイ

お願いします。下記のお題でエッセイを提出します。文字数は丁度200wordsです。文法、文章の流れなど添削頂けると涙が出るほど助かります。

なお、文章中の（）は英語に自信がない場合に日本語入れています


大学側のお題：What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements? (200 words or less)

私のエッセイ：I used to work as door to door sales man about 10 years ago. To sale $3,000 water cleaner, I would often visit more than 100 houses everyday. At that time, not only Japanese are not so interested that device but also people usually drinks tap water. In previous times, people used to think that purchase natural water are ridiculous and said “drink tap water as much as you like, do not waste your money!” Great majority of Japanese did not interested water at all. Therefore, I was always turned down and was jeered and yelled at me. I had an experience with scattered salt by a man（男性から塩をかけられた経験があります）. It means purify evil sprit. I believed that I could find a customer as long as I do not give in. I became discouraged several times. Nevertheless, I had kept knock a door hundred of times and then I had encountered the customers（冠詞に迷いました、the としたのは思い描いたそのお客さんに出会えたとし定冠詞にしました）. At sales convention, I obtained a first prize among over 1,000 company members. Through this precious experiment, I learned patient, efforts must be pay off and I understood that If people efforts desperately, God presents us a miracle. My weakness was changed strength（by ○○はあえて書きませんでした、キリスト教系の大学なのでここは神様と読み手は考えると思うからです）. This life experience is my treasure.

よろしくお願いします＜（＿　＿）＞

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： ybnormal 回答日時： 2009/07/23 18:03

とりあえず目についた単語だけ..

(*...) ->　置換
(%...) ->　削除
(&...) ->　挿入
??? -> 別表現のほうが良いか？

私のエッセイ：I used to work as door to door sales man about 10 years ago. To sale(*sell a) $3,000 water cleaner, I would often visit more than 100 houses everyday. At that time, (%not only) Japanese are(*were) not (&only) so interested (&in) that device but also people(*they) usually drinks(*drank) tap water. In previous times(*In those days), people used to think that purchase(*buying/purchasing) (%natural) water are(*was) ridiculous and said(used toから続くなら *say) “drink tap water as much as you like, do not waste your money!” Great majority of Japanese did(*was) not interested (&in) water at all. Therefore, I was always turned down and was jeered and yelled at (%me)(&by them). I had an experience with scattered salt by a man(???)（男性から塩をかけられた経験があります.）. It means purify(driving away) evil sprit. I believed that I could find a customer as long as I do not give in. I became discouraged several times. Nevertheless, I had kept knock(*knocking) a door hundred of times and then I had encountered the customers（冠詞に迷いました、the としたのは思い描いたそのお客さんに出会えたとし定冠詞にしました）. At sales convention, I obtained(*was awarded) a first prize among over 1,000 company members. Through this precious experiment(*experience), I learned patient(*patience and) efforts must be pay off(*must have been paid off?) and I understood that If people (&make) efforts desperately, God presents us a miracle. My weakness was changed(* turned to) strength（by ○○はあえて書きませんでした、キリスト教系の大学なのでここは神様と読み手は考えると思うからです）. This life experience is my treasure.

この回答へのお礼

回答ありがとうございました
各箇所修正します。また機会がありましたら是非よろしくお願いします
＜（＿　＿）＞

お礼日時：2009/07/24 07:18