英作文の添削をお願いします

自由英作文の添削をよろしくお願いします。

テーマ：いじめに対するアドバイス

条件
・１５０words以上
・３パラグラフ構成以上
・序論・本論・結論が明確であること。


These days, the problem of bulling is often picked up on the TV program. Some students choose to kill themselves because they feel that they have no another choice to solve the problem. Other students ceased to go to school and study at home. Still others rely on their parents and their parents speak to child’s teacher or the principal and ask them to tell bully to stop bulling.

In my opinion, the best way for being bullied students to solve the problem is just continuing to go to school. Of course, I can understand that their parents worry about child’s safety. However, if parents tell them not to go to school, students never change their thought. In my experience, I did go to school when I was bullied, even though I wanted to quit the school or kill myself. But now, I think it was a good experience for my long life. Since I had been mentally injured a lot, I got my heart strong and when my friends or people related me are in trouble, I can give them more proper advice than other people who had never been bullied.

For this reason, even if you feel miserable or feel like killing yourself now, you should go to school. This makes you stronger and some day it will be a good experience for you. (226 words)


結論が短いため主張が弱いとは思うものの、文章展開の仕方や肉付けがうまくできていませんが
アドバイスや指摘などいただけるとありがたいです。
宜しくお願いします。

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： angkolwhat 回答日時： 2012/02/15 14:53

[添](削)

These days, the problem of bulling is often picked [out](up) on (the) TV program[s].＜ピックアップは日本語＞ Some students choose to kill themselves because they feel that they have no (a)nother choice[s] to solve the[ir] problem[s].＜another=a other＞ Other students ceased to go to school and study at home. Still others rely on their parents and (their)[the] parents speak to [their] child's teacher or the[ir] principal and ask them to tell [their] bull(y)[ies] to stop [their] bulling.＜行為にもその所有者があることに気付こう＞

In my opinion, the best way for (being) bullied students to solve the[ir] problem is just [to] continue(ing) to go to school. Of course, I can understand that their parents worry about [their] child's safety. However, if (parents)[they] tell them not to go to school, [the children](students) never change their thought. In my experience, I did go to school when I was bullied, even though I wanted to quit the school or kill myself. But now, I think it was a good experience for my long life. [Though](Since) I [was](had been) mentally [hurt](injured) a lot, I got my heart strong[er,] and when my friends or people [around](related) me are in trouble, I can give them more proper advice than other people who [have](had) never [had the experience](been bullied).＜一般には安全第一で当事者が単独で解決することを期待してはいけない．大人の責任で介入することが必要と言われていますが，自分の体験は何よりも強い説得力がありますね．ただし，だから絶対と決めつけないことも大切です．十人十色ですから．＞

For this reason, even if you feel miserable or feel like killing yourself now, you should go to school. This [will] make(s) you stronger, and some day it will be a good experience for you [to make a better world]. (226 words)
＜主張が簡潔であれば結論は短くて当たり前です．心配無用＞

この回答へのお礼

前回に引き続き、わかりやすくポイントを押さえた添削本当にありがとうございます（´；ω；｀）
印刷して復習し、試験会場にお守りとして持っていきます（´∀｀）

お礼日時：2012/02/15 22:24