英語エッセイ添削お願いします。

Biodiversityの重要性と、その社会への影響を２００語程度にまとめよと出題され、以下のように書きました。
Biodiversity is important in two respects.. First, biodiversity prevents sudden food crisis. Diversity of a species means that it is strong enough to survive. Suppose that we grow genetically same crops made by the clone technology. If one crop gets ill, the other crops will also get ill because they are genetically the same. This may lead to extinction of the whole species and we will face a world-wide food crisis.
Second, biodiversity will leave us the possibility of curing for some serious diseases. Scientists have only succeeded in studying less than one percent of species of plants, animals and insects living on the earth though there are more than 10 million of them. The diversity is so great. But they are on the verge of extinction. We must preserve them because there are possibilities that we will find new kinds of medicine among these unknown species with which we will be able to treat incurable diseases such as cancer, AIDS and so on. We have to prevent these living matters from dying out before we find them.

なんか締まらない感じなんですがどうすればいいでしょう?

No.2 ベストアンサー 回答者： user0 回答日時： 2011/01/21 10:03

演繹的文章構成はすばらしいと思います。

語彙はなるべく重複せず同意語を探されてはと思います。

＞Suppose that we grow genetically same crops made(?) by the clone technology.
** madeはあまりにも基本的過ぎ、createdと格好つけられたら？

＞If one crop gets ill, the other crops will also get ill(?) because they are genetically the same. 　　** get(s) illの重複を嫌えば、後者をdoにでもされたら？

＞This may lead to extinction of the whole(?) species and we will face a world-wide food crisis.)
** the whole speciesとは人間も含まれるような気がします。そうするとand以下の文の状況も発生しないのではないかと？
** それでthe whole species → some of the whole species か　some (of the) species か many (of the) species かそれともその他？

＞Second, biodiversity will leave us the possibility of curing for(?) some serious diseases.
** cure for のforはcureが名詞のとき使われるようです。 forは不要？

＞Scientists have only succeeded in(?) studying less than one percent of species of plants, animals and insects living on the earth though there are more than 10 million of them.
** succeeded in studyingは意味的に不自然なのでは？研究するのは誰でもその筋の人ならできると思います。研究する行為それ自体に成功・失敗はないのでは？人為的・社会的障害物があって研究できない状況なら話は別です。
** 「成功する」の代わりに「手をつける；始める」では？　have only started to study;

＞The diversity is so great. ** Theは不要では？　不可算名詞の一般物表現は無冠詞単数

＞But they are on the verge of extinction.　
** Theyを示すものが1文飛んでいるので不明確？次文のthemも不明確になるのでは？複数名詞はscientists; species of ... おそらくspeices関係でしょうが、そのうちのsome なのか、研究をする人間を含めたwholeなのか明らかにする必要は？
** they → some (of the ) species として、その直前に actuallyなどつけられては？

＞We must preserve them(?) because there are possibilities(?) that we will find new kinds of medicine among these unknown species with which we will be able to treat incurable(?) diseases such as cancer, AIDS and so on.
** there are possibilities that ... → there is a(又はthe) possibility
** incurable diseasesをtreatする(?)のは不可能なのでは？
supposedly incurable diseasesあるいはsuch diseases as cancer, AIDS and so on that have long been believed to be incurable

＞We have to prevent these living matters from dying out before we find them(?).
＞themは何の名詞の代わり？→before we find their extinction; before we find them perishing(disappearing)

No.1 回答者： ppp12 回答日時： 2011/01/21 08:50

>First, biodiversity prevents

Firstly, biodiversity prevents

>Suppose that we grow genetically same(x) crops made (*) by the(x) clone(x) technology.

Suppose that we grow genetically identical crops made possible by cloning technology.

> If one crop gets ill (x)

If one crop fails / If one crop suffers

>This may lead to (x) extinction of the whole species .

This may lead to the extinction of the whole species

>Second, biodiversity will leave(x) us the possibility of curing (x) for some(*) serious diseases

Secondly, biodiversity will offer us the possibiliy of finding a cure for various serious diseases.

>Scientists have only(x) succeeded in studying less than one percent of species of plants

Scientists have succeeded in studying less than one percent of species of plants

>We must preserve them because there are possibilities(x) that

We must preserve them because there is the possibility that