留学志望理由書 添削の依頼

英語の添削をお願いしたいです。
志望理由書の前半部分です。部分的でもいいので、アドバイスをいただけると嬉しいです。

First reason is that I would like to enter a class with people who have various background at a university overseas again. I have taken part in study abroad programme at Whangaparaoa College in New Zealand twice. When I went there first time, I was junior high school student. And I took English classes in the morning, in addition, I could took formal classes with local students in the afternoon. I took math, biology and health and physical education. All of them are classes in didactic manners which is the similar way as Japanese one, so I had no trouble and no problem in the classes. However, the time when I went to New Zealand second time was quite hard for me. The way of taking classes is the same as first one. There are English classes in the morning and I took business, literature, music, drama and folklore of Maori in the afternoon. One of my most memorable classes is business class. In this class, I was provided a realistic experience of business and marketing. We sold ice creams on the internet in a group of four. At first, I could not make any statement because I could not even understand what they said. There were a lot of disappointing memories in the first half term. So, in the latter part of term, I decided to mention at least two my opinions in each class and I did it. I had stayed there for only one month, and I felt that it was too short to study at school abroad. The classes which I took was difficult for me, on the other hand that was also great experience for me. Therefore I decided to go to study abroad on a long term basis after entering university. So I’m brushing up my English skill and learning about business and marketing. And this is connected second reason why I wish to study overseas.

Second reason is that I would like to use the skills which I have gained till now. It means that I would like to take a class which work with discussion and presentation and use all the experience I have gained till now. I have took practical classes which is called presentation skills, argument & persuasion, explanation and so on. And I have studied how to do effective discussion and presentation. So I would like to use the skills which I have learned this university.

No.1 回答者： スチールウール 回答日時： 2015/10/30 21:45

全部は読んでないのですが

これ、大学の志望理由書ですか？
それとも留学用の奨学金の志望理由書？

とりあえず、一番最初に入学したいです、とか、支援プログラムを受けたいです、みたいな文章がいります
次に、大きく分けて三つの理由があります、とかですかね

で、キツイことかもしれませんが、一つ目の動機と理由が繋がってないです
中学高校でニュージーランドに行って授業受けて、二回目は付いていくのがやっとだった
そこからなぜ、
様々なバックグラウンドの人と共に外国の大学で学びたい
という動機になったのです？
以前の留学時に、他の国から来てる留学生と交流して〜とか、日本との文化の違いが〜とか言わないと、その理由にならないと思います
この内容だったら、
外国人向けに英語の授業も開講してくれている(外国人留学生のサポートが手厚い)大学に入りたいです
辺りが動機になりそうです

二番目の動機も、一文目が全然具体的でないです
次でわざわざ言い換えてますが、これを最初に持ってくるべきだと思います
そして、最後までどう使えるのか、どう伸ばしてきたのか、どう使いたいのかなどの具体例がないので、読んでも、はぁそうですか、としか言えないです

もしもこれが大学の志望理由書で、私が読んだら
こいつ、別にうちじゃなくて他の大学でもいいんじゃないか？
と思います