留学志望理由書 添削の依頼

長文で申し訳ないのですが、早急に添削していただけないでしょうか。

First reason is that I would like to enter a class with people who have various background at a university overseas again. I have taken part in study abroad programme at Whangaparaoa College in New Zealand twice. When I went there first time, I was junior high school student. And I took English classes in the morning, in addition, I could took formal classes with local students in the afternoon. I took math, biology and health and physical education. All of them are classes in didactic manners which is the similar way as Japanese one, so I had no trouble and no problem in the classes. However, the time when I went to New Zealand second time was quite hard for me. The way of taking classes is the same as first one. There are English classes in the morning and I took business, literature, music, drama and folklore of Maori in the afternoon. One of my most memorable classes is business class. In this class, I was provided a realistic experience of business and marketing. We sold ice creams on the internet in a group of four. At first, I could not make any statement because I could not even understand what they said. There were a lot of disappointing memories in the first half term. So, in the latter part of term, I decided to mention at least two my opinions in each class and I did it. I had stayed there for only one month, and I felt that it was too short to study at school abroad. The classes which I took was difficult for me, on the other hand that was also great experience for me. Therefore I decided to go to study abroad on a long term basis after entering university. So I’m brushing up my English skill and learning about business and marketing at this university. And this is connected second reason why I wish to study overseas.

Second reason is that I would like to use the skills which I have gained till now. It means that I would like to take a class which work with discussion and presentation and use all the experience I have gained till now. I have took practical classes which is called presentation skills, argument & persuasion, explanation and so on. And I have studied how to do effective discussion and presentation here. So I would like to use the skills which I have learned this university.

Third reason is that I would like to learn advertising at university abroad. I am interested in advertising. And my career goal is to work overseas. So I am learning about advertising by self-education. In addition, I am producing the free magazine and implementing public relations activities concerning two volunteer groups. However I feel this is not enough because I think that there are a lot of differences between the way of advertisement in Japan and foreign countries. I found this fact when I stayed in New Zealand. When I watched television in New Zealand, I noticed commercial message (CM) was different from Japanese one. The differences were not only commercial message but also poster, brochure and Web advertisement and so on. After entering this university, a professor who teach us marketing mentioned that the way of advertising in Western/American is different from that in Asia. And I heard that there are advertising class at some university overseas from exchange students. So I would like to learn Western/U.S. style advertising. And also, for working overseas, I need to understand the common sense of the world such as taboo and manner. It is usually said that “Japanese common sense goes against the common sense of the world”. I think that there are some differences between Japanese common sense and the common sense of the world. This is why I would like to learn advertising and the common sense of the world at university overseas.

No.1 回答者： drmuraberg 回答日時： 2015/10/30 20:53

＜長文で申し訳ない＞と言うより「長文で駄目ですね」。

長さを半分以下にまとめましょう。英語より日本語と思考力の
問題です。元海外大学の教官経験者として、私ならこの文5行以上は
読みません。

＜First reason is that I would like to enter a class with people
who have various background at a university overseas again.＞
これが書き出し文ですか？
日本語で考えてみてください。
「最初の理由は・・・」でしょう。
文意を明確にする書き出しは「海外（貴学）で勉強したい・・・
と言うのは云々・・・」が普通でしょう。

所謂若年帰国子女の欠点丸出しです。日本語も英語もろくにできない。
もう一度推敲して下さい。その後に尋ねるべきです。