一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

一橋大学　自由英作文　添削のお願い　（１２０字～１５０字）　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　条件・　日本人はもっと長い休暇が必要である。について述べなさい。　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　I agree with this statement. These days, there are many problems which are concerned with work. I think that many people who work everyday seem to be very tired. I once read in the news paper that some people died because they worked too hard though their physical strength was not so strong. I think that Japanese people are tend to make efforts to achive something they have to do although it is not always the case, so if there are more free time for workers, these problems could be solved. I think that there are two merit in a long vacation. First, needless to say, they can have more time for rest. Secondly, they can develop their skills using a long vacation.Thus, I agree that Japanese need longer vacation and this will make it possible for workers to feel more happier. (143字）　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　文法面を中心に採点して下さると嬉しいです。また文の構造面（特にbecause～thoughのところなど）もよろしくお願いします。

No.1 ベストアンサー 回答者： Peechyan 回答日時： 2013/02/01 18:09

こんにちは。

文法を中心に添削したものと、文の構造にも気を配ったものの二つを作ってみました。こんなのでどうでしょうか。。

ひとつ思ったのは、この回答では、「意見に賛成か否か」というタイプと「問題とその解決策を述べよ」というタイプが混ざっているという印象を受けます。この出題だと具体的な解決策を提案するまではしなくてもよいのではないでしょうか？
しかしながら、せっかくのアイディアですので、二つのタイプを統合するために、結論部でまとめてみましたが、少し文字数オーバーしてしまいました。

ご参考になれば幸いです。

[1] 原文の形をできる限り残したもの：
I agree with this statement. These days, there are many problems that relate to the work. I think that many people who work every day seem to be extremely tired. I once read an article in the newspaper that some people died because of working too hard even though their physical strength was not strong. I think that Japanese people tend to make efforts to achieve something they have to do although it is not always the case. Therefore, these problems could be solved if there is more free time for workers. I think that there is two merit in a long vacation. First, needless to say, they can have more time for rest. Secondly, they can develop their skills using a long vacation. Thus, I agree that Japanese need longer vacation, and this will make it possible for workers to feel happier.

[2] 文章の構造を変えたもの：
Nowadays, there are many problems that relate to the work. Some people argue that the longer holidays is necessary for Japanese to resolve this issue, and I agree with this idea.

Many people who work in this country every day seem to be extremely tired. I once read an article in the newspaper that some people died because of working too hard even though they are not physically strong. I also think that Japanese people tend to make efforts to accomplish something they have to do although it is not always the case.

These problems could be resolved if workers could take a long vacation. There may be two advantages for this. First, they can have more time for rest. Secondly, they can develop their skills by using a long holiday.

Overall, I agree with the idea that Japanese need longer vacation, and it will make workers feel happier than now.

この回答へのお礼

再び回答ありがとうございます。なるほど、視点を変えるとこういった書き方もあるのですね。とても参考になります。自分の文章は良かったでしょうか？もしよろしければ厳しい評価でも結構ですので宜しくお願いします。本当にありがとうございました。

お礼日時：2013/02/02 10:37