大学受験対策の自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

テーマは「今までの人生で過去のある特定の時点に戻れるとしたら、あなたはどの時点に戻り、何をしたいか。」

字数は80字前後で、第一文をifで始め、具体的に書くこと。


If I were to go back to a certain day, I would go back in my elementary school days.

In those days, I was not positive and did not study hard,play with my friends.

I should have challenged various things and made friends with many people.

This is because many experiences make me clever and courageous, and the more friends I have, the more they help me.

I think experiences and friends are by far the most important in life.

計82words



文法で間違っている箇所と文章の展開の仕方が論理的かどうか指摘して頂けると助かります^^

あと、第2文の並列構造ですが、「 , play～」でつなげ方は問題ないでしょうか？

「and　play～」だとandが2回連続するので、カンマにしたのですが。


では、よろしくお願いします！

No.2 ベストアンサー 回答者： mabomk 回答日時： 2011/01/21 11:47

ご無沙汰でした、あれからずいぶん上手くなっていらっしゃいます、より具体的に書きたいですよね、でも、これ位でもいいのかな。

If given such chance to travel back to a certain day, I wish I could go back to my elementary school days. I was then less active, studying not hard and playing not often with my friends. I should have been more positive to study and play with more friends. Now I know such experiences could have made me more positive to challenge new things. Since then I changed myself to make more and more friends, I learn much from them.

81 words

この回答へのお礼

今回も添削ありがとうございます^^

今回は割とすんなり文章構成が頭に浮かんだので、自分にとって書きやすいテーマだったんだと思います。

less activeって表現すればよかったのですね、悩んだんですけど思いつきませんでした・・・。

参考になりました！

お礼日時：2011/01/22 00:26

No.1 回答者： cozycube1 回答日時： 2011/01/21 04:04

If I were to go back to a certain day, I would go back in my elementary school days.

In those days, I was not positive and did not study hard, play with friends.

I should have tried to do various things and made friends with.

This is because many experiences make me smart and courageous and the more friends I have, the more they help me.

I think experiences and friends are by far the most important in life.

(80 words)

としてみました。challengeが日本語で言うチャレンジするでないのでtry、friends with many peopleが冗長、andの使い方を少し変えただけです。

この回答へのお礼

添削ありがとうございます^^

try気づきませんでした！！

お礼日時：2011/01/22 00:22