どなたか、翻訳、お願いします。

Question

どなたか、翻訳、お願いします。
※最後まで、翻訳できる方、お願いします。

There are basically only two types of people in the world,those who dlivide the world into two types of people and those who don't.
It's easy enough to shoot a crocodile,but not many people can catch one alive.This is how to do it.All you need is a telescope,a pair of tweezers,a matchbox and a very boring book.You find a sunny spot by a crocodile infested river and leave the book there.Thenyou climb a nearby tree and wait.Sooner or later,a curious crocodile will come out to look at the book,turn a few pages and start yawning.As soon as it falls asleep,you open the matchbox and look at the crocodile through the large end of the telescope.Pickthe creature up very carefully with the tweezers,drop it in the matchbox and close it quickly.
Two English workman went out to repair a country road.When they arrived,they realized they had forgotten to bring their shovels.After several cups of tea,they went to look for a public telephone.Eventually they found one and phoned their boss.When he heard the problem,he said"Don't worry,I'll bring the shovels.In the meantime,just lean on each other instead,"

ShowMeHow · Accepted Answer

There are basically only two types of people in the world,those who dlivide the world into two types of people and those who don't.
世の中には原則的に２種類の人間しかいない。　人間を２種類のタイプに分ける人たちと、そうでない人たちの。

It's easy enough to shoot a crocodile,but not many people can catch one alive.This is how to do it.All you need is a telescope,a pair of tweezers,a matchbox and a very boring book.You find a sunny spot by a crocodile infested river and leave the book there.Thenyou climb a nearby tree and wait.Sooner or later,a curious crocodile will come out to look at the book,turn a few pages and start yawning.As soon as it falls asleep,you open the matchbox and look at the crocodile through the large end of the telescope.Pickthe creature up very carefully with the tweezers,drop it in the matchbox and close it quickly.
わにを撃つのは簡単だが、生きたまま捕まえるのは難しい。　これがその手順だ。　必要なものは望遠鏡、ピンセット、マッチ箱と退屈な本だけだ。　わにであふれている河のそばに日当たりのよい場所を見つけ、本をそこに置きなさい。　近くの木に登り待っていれば、すぐに好奇心旺盛なわにが本を読み始め、数ページめくった後、あくびをして寝始めるでしょう。　マッチ箱をあけ、望遠鏡の大きいほうからわにを見て、ピンセットでつまみ箱に入れ急いで閉める。

Two English workman went out to repair a country road.When they arrived,they realized they had forgotten to bring their shovels.After several cups of tea,they went to look for a public telephone.Eventually they found one and phoned their boss.When he heard the problem,he said"Don't worry,I'll bring the shovels.In the meantime,just lean on each other instead,"
二人の英国人が田舎の道を直しに出かけた。　現場に着いたとき二人はしゃべるを忘れたことに気づいた。　彼らは紅茶を数杯飲んだ後、公衆電話を探しに出かけた。 最終的に電話を見つけ、上司に問題を話すと、
「心配するな、シャベルを持っていってやるから。　それまでの間はお互いに寄りかかっておきな。」
（シャベルは寄りかかるたに必要なのものとして扱っている）

日本語的に面白くないジョークですが、最初の二つは英語でも面白いとはいえないな。

どなたか、翻訳、お願いします。

There are basically only two types of people in the world,those who dlivide the world into two types of people and those who don't.

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