英作文をしたのですが自信がありません。文法等の添削、内容についてのアド

英作文をしたのですが自信がありません。文法等の添削、内容についてのアドバイスをお願いします。

In recent years, there has been a lot of argument of having classes on Saturdays in elementary schools in Japan. A five-day school week started as a part of the new education system known as “yutori education” and these days it has been argued that we should do away with this system as soon as possible. But this system shouldn’t be abolished for following 3 reasons.

First, it helps children to get communication ability. In Japanese elementary school, they usually don’t have discussions in the classes. They only listen to the teachers speaking at their desk, having little time to have interactive communications. It obviously prevents children from getting communication ability. But if Saturday is a holiday, they will have a lot of time to spend with their friends and families, and have a lot of time to have interactive communications. Actually, in my childhood I used to go a park to play catch with my father on Saturdays and talked a lot with him. There is no doubt that it has great effects on communication ability to talk a lot with friends and families.

And it also prompts children to be independent. In school, they do only things that the teachers say to do. But when they graduate, no one tells them what to do. They have to find what to do on their own. If Saturday is a holiday, they will have more chance to know themselves, and to think about what they should do, that is, to be independent.

In addition, apart from the educational problems, it will bring us economic effectiveness. If it is holiday on Saturdays, more people will go traveling with their family, and spend a lot of money on their way. Even if you don’t go traveling, we will have more chance to spend money to have pleasure. Actually, after playing catch I used to go to batting center with my father on Saturdays. There is no doubt that we use more money if children are at home than if they are in school.

No.4 ベストアンサー 回答者： ohioan4506 回答日時： 2010/05/17 08:09

こんにちは。

他で気になったところは、

a lot of argument → a lot of arguments
it helps children to get → it helps children get（あるいはimprove）
they will have more chance → they will have more chances
Saturday is a holiday→ they have no school on Saturdays

holidayを使うとなんとなく祝日とか、そういう感じなので、ただ単に学校がない、ということでいいと思います。

No.3 回答者： itch_for_x 回答日時： 2010/05/15 22:12

こんにちは、全部チェックするのは面倒なので、No1さんの指摘箇所以外でもう1つ、

butを文頭に持ってきた文が第一段落でありますが、これでは従属節だけの文になってしまいますので、『論文ではアウト』ですね(小説なら良く見かけますが。）However等と交換した方が良いですね。

では、残りの添削は、他の方どうぞ、、、

No.2 回答者： passersby2 回答日時： 2010/05/15 20:30

ほぼ満点の英語小論文ですね。

No.1 回答者： opensource 回答日時： 2010/05/15 20:17

ぱっと見て a part of の a をとって、following の前に the をつけて、

go a park を go to a park にして、get ability を acquire ability ぐらいにして、if it is holiday on Sundays の言い回しを（学校が休みという観点で）考え直せば、ＶＥＲＹ　ＧＯＯＤではないでしょうか。